More thoughts.

No, I do not want to defund the Police. I would like to see the budgets cut back with the monies used for revived social services. Slowly taken beginning with Reagan, bringing us to the point we are at now.

I would like to see the agency’s work hand in hand and not for protection of each other but in action for the communities. We have lost social workers and supportive services and burdened our peace officers with para military training and not peacekeeping. Not investigative work to catch and reform but the quickest win for them budgetarily. Sadly, some budgets are based on the number of arrests, the number of closed cases. Not the success of a peaceful community. The truth being the greater crime the greater the rewards.

I have issue with the Federal Government giving out military gear to police departments. To give without providing ability to maintain the special equipment places burden on the community it can ill afford. Adults, like children will go for the biggest the shiniest tool in the box for the smallest of problems. Bringing a tank to an overly large birthday parking issue or full riot gear to nonpayment of a latte is over kill. I think a better way would be give equipment to the states with the financial burden carried state wide. In the area of large states regional facilities again with the burden carried by the towns within. There may be a time the equipment is necessary, but not business as usual.

I would like the power of fear removed from Police Union hands. Wielded to cover the bad deed by some and corrupting all. The ability to have a “Blue Flu” in response to an investigation of one’s own needs to stop. The process of investigations and penalties for those who act against and not for the community need to see daylight. I do believe the union is needed; I also believe its powers have grown to large. They have sacrificed the good to protect the bad, and faith has not just been compromised but lost.

I would like to see the churches taxed. It does not need to be a full assessment but just the same taxed. On property and income. Clergy as well. Take the ability to get rich and hide income no others have. Make the church show just where offerings go. Just how much is administration. Tax exempt collages usually give the host community an annual stipend in leu of tax, Nonprofits are held to strict standards of expenditures. Our churches have slipped through and should be held to the same whatever the faith be.

I would enjoy the medical community to work as a team. So much has been learned about the body it is now doled out piecemeal to specialists who don’t seem to ever speak to one another. Notes. They rely on notes. Usually cold scientific words giving no knowledge of the patients’ attitude or carriage. No ability to question and search for an answer that may be missed in conversation. I know, we have PCP’s. Not enough. They don’t always get to ask and search either. They are placed by insurance companies and health corporations to be clearing houses recommending specialists. We need doctors that doctor. Not the double booked fifteen minuet sessions with a referral and script at the end. A follow up in six weeks for the same issue and a new script. Health care should not have a profit motive with unlimited potential. Its success rate should be measured in the number of helped and not earnings.

One of our misguided decisions has been cameras in government and courts. The entertainment value has taken over governing and law for those who grandstand and act out. I do believe we have the right to know the proceedings, however there need to be proceedings. I see our elected representatives in committees not asking questions or allowing answers but giving voice to the lowest base mentality simply to show off for those at home. Accomplishing nothing for us, and costing everything. I also see lawyers and judges in courts believing they are staring in their own series, few even mug for the camera. Doing a disservice to the client, the profession and the system. Maybe a scale back to radio could cure that illness. To be only heard and not seen, to be taken for your word without the theatrics could bring us back to actual accomplishments with honor.

beb8/5/20 3:14 PM

If you’re not doing anything illegal…

  In 1979 A fire was lit in the yard of the house I grew up in. The brush pile from clearing a hedge in the drive was set by some unknown person. My mother called me to tell me and also to say she was alright.  

 Later that night a fire was lit in the old garage at my Grandmothers. This was next door to the house I grew up in. It was a total loss. Both fires were close enough to the houses to be considered as felony arson and not just arson as occupied homes were place in danger. My Mother called and informed me of that fire as well and said There was no reason for me to go over. She and Grandmother were both fine. She would see me in the morning.  

 The next morning There was a knock at my door by a state police officer with some questions.  Where were you? Who were you with? Can you prove it? That was easy. My boyfriend Clint and I had dinner at a church friends’ home and came home to bed.  

 I provided the contact info for Both Clint, my boyfriends and our friend Steve. 

In less than half hour the officer was back. I was told I was being taken to Hartford for questioning and I could not decline. I was not under arrest; they just had some questions.  

 In Hartford I was told my boyfriend Clint said he was at an AA meeting and Steve did not know our last names. Clint was usually at a meeting however we both went to dinner at Steves for something social. He panicked having been pulled form a meeting to answer another officers’ questions.  Steve did not know our last names because our church was all inclusive and gay accepting before any others were. Not knowing last names was the norm and not the exception. That left me in a legal limbo of the time.  

 I was not offered a lie detector exam; I was told there would be one. I was not allowed to call an attorney as I was not under arrest. No one knew where I was, not Clint or my Mother. I was not allowed the restroom.  

 The police had been told by someone, that they saw someone running across the field from the garage who only could have run through the field at night by knowing the field.  That someone was me.  

 I was never arrested. There was never an arrest. There was never a follow up. I do believe I was set up. I believe I know by whom. I still question why only the garage was mentioned and not the earlier fire.  My guess is the first fire failed in its purpose and the second needed to be bigger.  

At another time just a short time later I was trying to cross the street during break from work. This intersection was four-way light driven stop, and was in the process of having fresh lines painted. The officer would not let me cross diagonal even though the walks were blocked. I had to cross inside the cross walk. Made impossible by the work. I was sent down the block to a cross about 600 feet down and told I could come back and continue down the sidewalk that way. I did as I was told and still received a warning from the Officer for trying to cross diagonal in the first place.  

 Years later Pete, my housemate, and I were watching some TV before dinner and a knock at the door. Two officers from the neighboring town wanted to speak to me about Pete and what he posted from My computer on at the time Myspace.  Pete reposted from newspapers and public sources articles on the police departments difficulties at that time. Not illegal. However, they took a dim view of it. He was told to stop, they could and would seize the computer and just toss the house as they saw fit and they would be back.  The charming Officers assumed Pete and I were boyfriends, and even after being told the opposite said as they walked away, “Let’s get the faggots”. 

 Another Boyfriend and I were on a day trip. He was driving my car. Him a Black man and I a white man. We were pulled over and asked for ID and papers. I got out the car info and he his license. Asked who owned the car I said I did. The officer leaned in just a little and asked with a certain tone if I was alright. Both my boyfriend and I know exactly what he was asking.  

So, when you see the meme supporting the police that says “If you’re not doing anything illegal you have nothing to worry about” remember you do. You have been stopped, pulled over, rousted, for some reason. You need to worry.  

beb 8/5/20 4:53 PM  

How I came


It’s that time again. Time to do my due diligence in educating the few on myself. How I think. How I feel on some subjects. How I came to be the way I am.  

I come to this by the difficult relationships I seem I have with a fraction of people in life. It would be easy to simply stop communications and drop them from any contact, but I am not wired that way.  I believe everyone has value in existence. Their opinions have been formed much the same as my own and we need not agree. That stated, here I go into the abyss.  

I chose my sexuality just as you chose yours. It is simply who I am in the scale of intimacy. As much as you can’t and shouldn’t change yours, I should be left to mine. I understand your curiosity and questioning, it is what we do with something we don’t understand. However most do not want to understand, they wish to change and mold into what they believe is the right way.  

As far as I know any gay teachers I had, did not influence me or recruit me in the life.  I had one teacher I did run into after graduation in a gar bar.  One out of many. I knew much more of the heterosexual teachers and the life they led than I knew of any potential gay ones and those heterosexual teachers did not influence me to change.  

There are two items we can lay to rest please.  

Not quite. I have been told that I am a liberal because I am gay. Interesting concept, I guess.  But again, ill thought.  The way I have been treated may have formed my leanings, but not the fact itself.  

Having been denied a place to live because I am gay, having been kept from promotions for the same, having been beaten, again for the perception of homosexuality, I may have a more liberal bend that you.  When you experience firsthand the prejudice of man you develop a sight and empathy for those who have felt the similar. My social leanings are most definitely to the protection and honor of difference.  

Should you come at me with Gods will to argue against transsexuals, you need to be ready to justify your face, breasts, penial implants and caps on you pearly whites.  I know, you’re just improving on what nature gave you.  Maybe God gave you what he did for a reason, just as you say he did with transsexual. I believe there is no difference. You want to go there I will argue God gives out souls and biology doles out the rest.  Just like that. Biology can make errors and medical procedures can correct as best it can. Using the same methods as your new fuller figure. So, leave the soul to God and the rest to science.  

Other disagreements of late have been masks, warming, pollution, the usual items we seem to get into every day. I will just lump them all as one stew pot and ask, should we not just do the slightest we can to be better. To wear a mask as protection for one another, to take a walk to the store rather than a personal auto. To toss rubbish in the can and recycle every chance. Such small gestures to honor on another.  

I find it interesting that in The United States liberals have interest in conserving the planet and humanity and conservatives have interest in exploiting the same.  

Beb 8/2/20 5:23PM  


Yesterday I recieved notification that Social Security has determined I am disabled.

At first I shit my brains out because I had a deposit made without notification and with all my IRS and Ins issues it frightened me. To think I had yet another issuse with a government agency was almost too much.

I called, they couldn’t tell me. I logged in and saw nothing. They did a quick investigation. I do mean quick, lightning quick for a government agency and sure enough the three year back and fourth ended. I logged in again and there it was. DISABILITY APPROVED.

After an hour or so it settled in and I began to get wet eyed. Still this morn as I write this I am damp.

Finally legitimized. The relief is stunning in ways I could not have imagined. I am not, was not faking. The discomfort is real. And will not ever get better. After three years believed.

I was early twenties and tore my lower back oblique, my Grandmother wanted something moved and I could not do it. My BF of the time went to do it and she said straight up she didn’t believe me because I was a liar. Not her first time. Every time she accused me she was proven wrong. Yet she persisted untill death. Yet damage done to me emotionally and within family relationships. I am very careful with truth and words.

So this is a big thing. Unnecessarily so, but big.

At this age I have discovered the importance of legitimacy.

beb 7/22/20 9:33 AM



I have learned the last 40+ years that sometimes it is not enough to be an ally.  You must not only be willing to support, you must be willing to show up and sometimes stand up for those you love. Especially when they cannot stand themselves.  

I was asked long ago by a Pakistani friend whom I loved very much if I would take a bullet for him. Without hesitation I said yes. Such was the depth he said he would too for me.  

That is standing up with and for another. That is ally + territory. That is what we need now and how we should conduct ourselves.  

Not long after 9/11 and he knew fear like I did not. I would have taken his place, pushed him from harm’s way knowing he would do the same.  

I would do the same now for any one I saw an injustice of. Black. Asian. Gay. Any of the whipping tribes we have this month.  Not because I am ally, but because I am human. I do believe in the equity of all. I do believe each deserve a life. And no, I do not think so little of my own that to give it up would be with ease. I simply believe our differences are what make us equal and our equality is what make each worthy.  

I have marched for Gay rights, walked for Aid’s awareness, sung for Black rights and chanted for Womans rights.  Believing all the way that what is right is right. No middle ground. No allies. You either showed up or you didn’t.   

I would have. Just as Amjed would have. Just as so many have.  

If everyone did, we wouldn’t have the death we have.  Knowing that the next would for you and you for them could stop those needless deaths.  

I would for you. Will you for me?  

beb 7/8/20 9:49 PM


 I had a call from an old co-worker today. Female, white, elderly. FWE. I, old gay, OG, will try to relate the conversation as best I can.

OG, ” Hello.”
FWE ” Hi!, Happy 4th! How are you?”
OG, ” Happy 4th to you. I’m good. How are you?”
FWE, ” Tired of all the news. All the protests. I’m sure you are too…”
OG, ” Not really. It’s been most of my life stuff has been swept under the rug, bout time the boil burst and all the crap came out. Maybe we can get it right this time. “
FWE,” It’s not right. All against America, not right.”
OG, ” But thats what we are. A safe place to protest and change.”
FWE, ” Their all so violent!”
OG, “No. Some are, most are not.”
FWE, ” Liberals and democrats’ I’m sure.”
OG, ” I doubt that, but…”
FWE.” I’m a Republican, but not a Trump republican.”

We had never had this kind of discussion in the 30 years we have known each other. I don’t think we ever spoke on the phone…But now seems to be the time liberties are taken. People feel free to just be out with it.

OG, ” OK….”
FWE, ” They are just all so violent, looting and rioting.”
OG, ” You can’t put everyone in that basket, Just a few.”
FWE,” But it’s all over TV.”
OG, ” I see a lot of peaceful people.”
FWE, ” I think He’s right. Just jail them all.”

Head scratch, what is going on?

OG, ” I thought you said you were not a Trump Republican.”
FWE,” I’m not.”
OG, ” Well you can’t say all protesters are rioters and looters when most are peaceful, just as I can’t say all Republicans are Trump Republicans when you say your not one.”
FWE, ” But”
OG, ” Oh no…. you cant. Not with me.”
OG, ” You do not want to aligned with Trump but align all protesters with looting. Thats not right.”
FWE, ” I thought we were like minded.”
OG, ” Not here.”
FWE, ” But they broke in to Macy’s and lots of stores.”
OG, ” I saw, Just like Black Wall St was burned. Just like Malaga Island. In Maine,”
FWE, ” It’s not the same! Maine what?”

I know they have a place in Maine on the coast for generations.

OG, ” An island in Maine that was mostly Black occupied that the state went in and cleared all the members from. Mostly to an asylum. then destroyed all the homes. There’s more to the story but thats the jist of it. Because they were Black.”
FWE,” It’s still not Right! Macy’s!”

Time to wind this down.

OG, ” We’ve known each other a long time, I never saw this side of you. I need to take it in a bit.”
FWE, ” Well I know you like other men, and I accept that.”

Oh yes, She did.

OG, ” I didn’t choose who I love. You can choose you politics and education. Given your choise I am done here. Have a Good 4th and Labor Day, And Thanksgiving, Christmas and so on. We won’t be speaking again.”


beb 7/4/20 7:54PM

Todays Rant. NSFW responce to those fucking twits in Palm Bitch.

I have COPD and asthma. Some times just sitting at my table I lose my breath. You know what? When I go out I wear a FUCKING MASK! If I have a 10% less chance of getting sick I will take it. I don’t want to FUCKING DIE! If wearing a mask has a 10% less chance of passing on an illness to someone, I WILL FUCKING WEAR A MASK! Why? Because I am here for YOU. Even if you are an asshole. I don’t want you to get sick. EVEN IF YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. So take your head out of your ass ( most likely the real reason you can’t breath ) and put on a FUCKING MASK! Show me some love. Show me YOU WANT ME TO LIVE!

beb June 26 2020 at 2:07 PM

PRIDE 2020

I remember the Marches. The speakers at Central Park. The silence passing the places of horrific violence’s against us. The burned clubs, the precinct where gentle young men fell, were pushed, jumped to their deaths. The full chorus of chants at the cathedral condemning hypocrisy and inviting the brethren. Not the parade of today. Not yet a celebration but a protest. A movement. Joyful in it’s numbers. Still stinging from the brutalities. It was a time before HIV and the power was in protest. Anger fresh. HIV robbed many pillars in community and muffled the protests to the fight for life, survival of yet another form of oppression. Younger members took up the fight and in defiance of the disease celebrated each life in shock and awe. And it was good. It was time. But, now as much as at the beginning, protest is called for. Chants needed. Unity in action. The call for greater change is in the air. We can, we must heed the call. For ourselves and all oppressed. Against the vocal minority that will put down those they do not deem worthy of breath, we will rise.

beb 7:54 PM 6/28/20



Should you be for making abortion illegal because of your religion you are wrong. Your faith should lead one to you, not force one to live within your views. Your job as a member of any certin religion is to testify not regulate.

The same people I have heard anti abortion arguments from carry belief that the spirit soul of the fetus has chosen their parents and loose path of life. If I logically follow that tenant I come to, what if the souls choice is to be aborted. Perhaps it chose that as the lesson to the female and male that through biology created the embryo.

You claim to know without doubt what is best for others while your own house needs tending.

Gun rights;

You know the second amendment by heart and choose not to follow the well regulated part. You are no longer for the second amendment. You are a paradox of the very document you so hold dear. Historically the national army was a small one. The states had regiments and there were local militias to serve and protect. They were to be well regulated. Not that the right to own guns should be infringed, just regulated. When the amendment was written, the ability to know your neighbors, the family’s, the arms possessed and their character was easy. Now we must give to government the ability to judge that, as for who may own a gun.

The argument of only bad guys will own guns then fails on many accounts. Not the least of which would be, if guns are regulated to only those whom guns are given just how did the bad guy get one? Must have come from a good guy. The ever classic, “I don’t want government looking into my life to deside if I can have a gun! I know my life! They DON”T!” Should that be your argument I certainly do not want you to have a gun. That, however would not be my judgement to make.

Simple regulations. A check on you and your medical histories physical and mental. A check on those in direct occupancy of the guns storage for the same. Where and how the gun will be stored as well as registration of the gun and insurance for it are my thoughts.

“Gay” rights;

There really is no such thing, The movement for gay rights is simply to the promise of the constitution for equality. The promise of the ability to pursue a safe happy life in the career of ones own choice with the partner of mutual desire and agreement. Thats “gay rights”.

The “I don’t want to see that” argument is not a steady one. Usually followed with “I don’t force my sex on them they shouldn’t force theirs on me.” Well you do. You also confuse sex with affection. Few desire sex in view of the public. The simple peck on the cheek when dropped off at work, the dropping by for lunch and holding of hands to the restaurant is just that. As well as hundreds of affections practiced every day. Thats what we want. Without fear that our skulls will be cracked as the result. The issue is that we need laws and regulations to make that happen, you do not.


Black Lives Matter. They sure do. Not All, not some, not most. Just, Black Lives Matter. The reminder to many that they have value. They should not breath in fear. They are not lessor than or greater than, they simply matter. The classic white male in power has long discounted all but the classic white man. Saw less and expected more of. Blacks discounted to labor and possession’s. Not as equals, not as whole. Seen in the almost animal light, to be trained, disciplined and disposed of. BLM. Expected to be better to be equil. The engineer whos name is not on the companies plans, or is regulated to last with first initials used and not the name Jamal. Just J. Wilson following all the “white” names. Expected to be stronger to be minimally respected. The football player, larger than most, stronger than most, even with a collage degree “Not as MY neighbor!” BLM. Not just the Doctors and nurses. Not just the aids who clean Grandma’s behind. Truth is should any of them disappear today you would not notice. To many they do not matter, no matter what education or ability they have. All white people have benefited form the slave trade, the Jim Crow era, the put down keep down mentality some carry today. It does not matter you never owned, or your ancestors never owned slaves. You still benefit form that trade in commerce and land ownership. Cheap goods and red lining of lands. Maybe with what we kept from, what we took from, Black Lives Matter more.

The Right to Vote;

I was taught Voting was a civic duty, not a right. As an American is is my voice in the rule of law. It changed to the “Right to Vote” and with that came the interference of the ability to vote. The moving of voting places, the limit of ways to vote. The theory that no one can be trusted to vote because a few may cheat. Moving venues at the last minute to manipulate the votes in a specific way. Looks like all the cheating is done by those in power, afraid of losing that power. Yes, I will stand in line for hours to use my civic duty, many do not have that ability. Physically, financially to stand or take time from work. The ability to vote should be easy peasy. The number of places and apparatus dictated by the number of residents. Half days work without penalty to be able to express your civic duty. We do it for many volunteer fire departments, National Guard, and other civic practices, we should do it for the most basic duty of the vote.

Woman’s Rights;

Many have made woman’s rights about abortion, and nothing could be farther form the truth. They are about making up 50.8 percent of the population and having far from equil pay for the same work, access to education, general health care, financial stability and so very much more. Another discounted population relegated to the lessor that category. We need to allow woman in power to have that power without degrading them as “bitches”. We need to see the example they set as worthy and not as having taken a mans spot. Begin with the fact that the female CEO is not less feminine than the stay at home Mom. That both are important to our fabric and equil in value. Allow for the differance without judgement. And we will beguin to have equality.

Trans thoughts:

The idea that what you are born with is all you have to work with, is not a thought I can agree with. Knowing a few hermaphrodites along the way, I know biology can be sketchy. “GOD made you what you are!” Then why do we correct cleft palates? “God doesn’t make misteaks!” Biology does. Science does. We can correct that. We can give the best life possable to the person in need. Simply put, if you are one in the vessel of another you are worthy of love enough to be accepted. And with “the body is a vessel for the soul” argument, then it should not matter to those with “old time religion” because God will recognize the soul, She has little intrest in the jar it came in.

Those are a few of my leanings. Some I am sure have issue with them and some will nod in full agreement without the work it takes to hold them. Much like the constitution they are open to amendment in hopes of a better human. The simple premise that those in power breed fear because they are afraid. The knowledge that humans are equil in their humanity and different in ability to benefit all. The belief that love and support is avalable from many, regardless of skin shade or sex in abundance. When you open your heart you see the changes to be made. Then you beguin the real work. To change your perceptions within your self. To have empathy is a burden, but one we can not afford to be without. The empath is the poet who seizes the moment and softens the blows in life. To “walk in another’s shoe” shows their burden and your privilege. Or if your so inclined your Blessings.

beb 6/11/20 10:55AM

Sand Roses

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Late spring gives way to summer heat, the delicate pink falls way for the hearty red of high hot sun. Melting cool dirt to hard pavement beneath the feet of bare footed boys. Beach sands burn as hot glass, cool salted waters soothe the burnished skins. Changing to deep bronze in days time. Jellies hold stingers but wash beyond the sandy ledges keeping safe the pool of chill for the brave. Air scented in sweet flower and salt brusque. Alternating with each breeze from waters far. The hand off from May to June. Pink to red. Deep hearted boys lounge and long for hand in hand walks of beach glass searches and shell prizes for their companions. Running ruddy faces, “caught you” breathless kisses, eyes locked smiling in youthful fullness. Pink to red hearts change. Affection to love. Love, to completed. Chills. Warm chills. Distant memories. Pink Petals fall to summer Red.

beb 6/10/20 9:32PM

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